I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
