and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
