i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
