i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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