Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
