what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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