I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize