it wasn't lemon gatorade
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
In America we eat man semen.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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