I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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