so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
