so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize