I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
