i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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