You just made me feel so damn special
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
