i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
