Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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