he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
