He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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