there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
