Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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