just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize