oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
