Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
