dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize