Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Randomize
