Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
