So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
