He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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