i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
