I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
