I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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