oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
