Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
