I wish my penis had an off switch
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
