Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize