Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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