I could make wine with my vomit
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
