The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
There's even glitter on my cock...
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