Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Actions speak louder than pants.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need to calm my uterus...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize