You smell like a Billy Joel song
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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