Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
