she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There's always time for handjobs
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
