wanna go halves on a baby?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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