I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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