Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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