I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
third nipple confirmed
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
