You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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