mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
