I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
