checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
