I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
