My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
