He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
