Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
