i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sarcasm needs its own font
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
