I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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