Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
