i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
