It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
