Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
