A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
