The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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