I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
