At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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