well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
