I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
