Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
