There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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