When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
