can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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