i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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