he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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